God smites Archbishop of Canterbury for speeding

Justin Welby, aka the Archbishop of Canterbury, is recovering from a smiting by God after he was caught speeding.

Welby, who presided over King Charles III’s coronation last week, was convicted by Lavender Hill Magistrates Court of driving at 25mph in a 20mph traffic zone on October 2, 2022. The Archbishop claims he was making haste to get to the House of Lords to criticize Prime Minister Rishi Sunak’s Illegal Migration Bill.

Welby claims he tried to resolve the matter with the police three times but was denied.

A spokesman for the police said “Hysteria and religious allegory won’t cut it with us. He was 25% over the speed limit.” The reference to “religious allegory” appears to relate to the thrice denial, which some famous bloke in the Bible once did.

Welby, 67, admitted the offence online and was ordered to pay a fine of £300, a £120 victim surcharge, and £90 in costs. The magistrates imposed three penalty points on Welby’s license and ordered him to pay a total of £510. As soon as they announced their decision, the sky opened, a lightning bolt hit the Archbishop in the face, totally frying his triangular Archbishop’s hat and causing his hair to stand on end, and a deep voice said “Take that, Welby, for breaking the law.”